


Listless

by London9Calling



Category: EXO (Band), Ten Count
Genre: M/M, Mental Health Issues, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-31
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-18 06:50:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 17,867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4696259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/London9Calling/pseuds/London9Calling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Minseok suffers from mysophobia, an intense fear of germs. Luhan agrees to help him, one checkmark at a time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1/2

He stared at the line on the heart monitor, watching as it jumped across the screen. Beeps, noises, machines, the intake and outtake of air as the compression instruments functioned. White floors and white walls and each and every smudge of dirt so evident it hurt. Hospitals were dens of people and chaos. The air was thick with the uncleanliness of it all, the viruses and bacteria that he knew couldn’t be filtered out. He wanted to run away.

“Minseok, is that man still here?”

He tore his attention away from the monitor. “That man?”

“The man who pushed me out of the way of the car. I would like to thank him, formally.” Junmyeon reached down, running his hand over the cast on his leg. He grimaced slightly, still feeling the pain despite the heavy dose of narcotic pain killers he had been administered before they had cast his broken leg.

“I will go see.” Minseok wasn’t sure if the man was still at the hospital. He wasn’t sure why that man had decided to come to the place to begin with. Then again, Minseok wasn’t sure why the man, a complete stranger, had saved someone else’s life like that. Spontaneously.

Minseok opened the hospital room door, peeking down the hall. Nurses, patients, someone pushing a food cart – the hulking metal rectangle as tall as a person, filled with nasty hospital food. He didn’t see him, that person who had not hesitated when Minseok had been so apt to hold back.

Minseok had watched it unfold. Standing outside the car, Junmyeon on his cell phone, a car swerving so dangerously close. Minseok reached out, but held back, because…he couldn’t do it. Because that would require him to do something he couldn’t do. He couldn’t. And then that man – he could.

“Is he okay?”

Minseok turned, blinking a few times as he stared at him. So he was still here.

“Yes. His leg is broken and he will need to spend a few days in the hospital but he should recover.” Minseok answered flatly. He watched as the man nodded, bit his bottom lip, his shoulders sagging as though a weight had been lifted off of them.

“That is good to hear. Well, I will be going now.”

Minseok watched him walk away, noticed the way he appeared easy going and carefree with his movements.

“Wait!” Minseok rushed forward, he had forgotten. Almost forgotten. He reached in his coat pocket, pulling out one of his cards.

The man stopped, turning, he appeared curious as to what Minseok might have to say. “Yes?”

Minseok held the card out with both hands, politely. The man stared down at it. Minseok felt his anxiety level increasing. It was the gloves. He must be staring at the gloves.

“What is this for?”

“Mr. Kim wants to think you for what you did today. Please call in a few days and we can arrange something.”

“No need.” The man stared at the card and then started to walk towards the elevator. Minseok rushed forward, attempting to stop him.

“Take it!” Minseok pushed the card out again, waiting. The man stopped, looking down at the offered business card – emblazoned with the logo of Guardian electronics and listing Minseok’s official title as Assistant to the Marketing Manager.

“Why do you wear gloves?” The man had stopped, but he wasn’t interested in the card. No, he didn’t care about the card after all it seemed.

“I…” Minseok began to feel the sweat trickle down his forehead, his back. His heart rate increased, he could feel it. It was hard to breathe.

“Are you afraid of germs?”

Minseok pushed the card forward again, staring at the floor.

“You could see someone about it, if you want help. If you need to wear gloves your condition must be severe.”

It was a snapping point. Perhaps it was the hospital or the way Minseok had frozen when Junmyeon was right in front of him, about to be injured. Maybe it was the way this man had so boldly done what Minseok couldn’t. Maybe it was everything running together into the fact this person could so easily decipher why Minseok wore gloves and then mock him for it. He must be mocking him. “You have a lot of nerve saying that to someone you just met!”

“So it is true?”

Minseok knew he swore, what exactly he said he couldn’t remember after it left his mouth. He swore and then he dropped his card, stomping off, back to Junmyeon’s room.

“Did you find him?” Junmyeon asked as soon as Minseok entered.

“No.” Minseok lied.

“Oh.” Junmyeon wasn’t happy, but Minseok didn’t really care. Not truly. He was too busy wondering how he could talk to someone like that, so loudly, so cruelly, when they were little more than a stranger.

***

Minseok wanted to burn his clothing. His suit, everything. He walked in the front door of his apartment, closing the door he quickly peeled off all of his clothing. He wouldn’t risk contaminating his living space. He was certain his clothing was rife with germs after being in a hospital for the better part of a day.

The cloth gloves were peeled off carefully, thrown into the garbage by the door. He held his hands up, inspecting them. Yes, they were ugly and hideous as usual. Dry, chapped, bleeding. Cracked from being in gloves all day, the sweat from his palms irritating them every time he got nervous, which was often. His skin rubbed raw in places from an overuse of disinfectant and frequent hand washing. Ugly, so ugly.

His next stop would be the shower, to wash away the dirt of the day. Hot, as hot as he could bear it. Steam filling the small bathroom, the scent of his antibacterial soap adding a measure of calm and control that he had been missing for the last few hours.

“You could see someone about that, if you want help. If you need to wear gloves your condition must be severe.”

Minseok laughed. See someone? See someone? Yes, because he was curable. It would be as easy as setting Junmyeon’s broken leg. Pills or therapy or….

He shut the water off, standing still, listening as the drops of water hit the shower floor.

How did he know – that man…how did he figure it out so quickly?

Minseok reached for a towel, drying himself off thoroughly. What would it be like if he were to see someone? They would laugh, certainly laugh at the systematic way he controlled all of his surroundings. The way his breath hitched at the sight of people drinking out of other’s cups, the way he grew nauseous when watching others eat.

They would laugh, wouldn’t they?

***

“Jongdae is handling the meetings for today.” Minseok held the black appointment book, scanning down the list he had carefully written, “You will need to be present for the conference call with the Chinese office, if possible.”

“What time is that at?” Junmyeon had a stack of magazines on his lap, flipping through them idly, he had visibly perked up when Minseok had arrived.

“Three o’clock.” Minseok looked over at the clock on the hospital room wall. Another hour.

“Have the advertising proofs for the fall campaign arrived?” Junmyeon, always diligent Junmyeon, was having a difficult time sitting still in the hospital.

“No, not yet.” Minseok missed having a full schedule to keep him busy. Now that Junmyeon was in the hospital he barely had anything to do, not when those who worked in the office could handle their tasks without the help of Junmyeon’s “odd” assistant.

“Hm.” Junmyeon sighed, “I wish they would discharge me already.”

“Another couple of days.” Minseok wanted Junmyeon to be discharged too. He was going through a suit a day, not trusting them to come clean in the laundry, god forbid the thought of taking them to a dry cleaners. It was expensive, having Junmyeon in the hospital.

“Minseok, could you stop by the gift store and see if they have any books? Just tell them to deliver and bill it to my room. The door is automatic.”

Bill. Deliver. Automatic. Minseok wouldn’t have to touch anything. That was what Junmyeon meant. Minseok was thankful for it. Junmyeon understood. Always understood. Wouldn’t press for what was impossible.

Minseok left Junmyeon’s room, patting his pocket he felt the three spare pairs of gloves he had brought with him. He had to feel to make sure they were still there – what if they had fallen out? He would need to hit the elevator button or at least touch the door to the stairwell. And he had already used a pair of gloves coming up to the room. Perhaps he should have brought more. He began sweating.

The elevator was open, someone had just stepped inside. Minseok hurried, thankful he wouldn’t have to push the button himself. He made it, dashing in as the door closed.

“Which floor?”

Minseok jumped back, ever so. It was that man. Why was he here?

That man, who he had talked down to. That man who he had sworn at the day prior. The man who had pushed Junmyeon out of the way of the car.

“First floor.”

The man pushed the button, apparently not willing to acknowledge that he had met Minseok the day before. It made Minseok feel even more anxious. So it was that bad? He had been that bad? He had sworn and stomped off and…

“I, I…” Minseok stuttered, sucking in a breath of air he finished, “I am sorry for what I said yesterday.”

He turned around, stared at Minseok, then he smiled. “No need to be sorry. I was a bit forward.”

“Yes, well…”

Silence. Deafening silence. Minseok started to panic, blurting out: “Why are you here?”

“I work here.” The man smiled again.

“Oh.” Minseok watched as the numbers above the door counted down. 3, 2, and then a ding.

“Would you like to get a cup of coffee? As an apology for what I said yesterday?” The man held the elevator door open, letting Minseok get off first.

“I don’t usually drink coffee.” Minseok lied. He did drink coffee, just not coffee that he didn’t make.

“Oh.” The man scratched his head, looking perplexed. “How about water then? Or we could just chat.”

“Ch..at.” Minseok didn’t chat, no one ever asked Minseok to chat.

“Yeah. For a few minutes.”

Yet he had been so mean to this man he barely knew. So cruel, still this man wanted to talk to him. He nodded. They could chat.

“My name is Luhan, by the way.” The man, Luhan, smiled again. He smiled a lot. Minseok wasn’t sure if he liked that about him. Smiles could be disarming.

They walked to the cafeteria on the first floor. “Is this okay?” Luhan questioned.

Minseok nodded. He would need to throw out the suit any way. He could sit down, yes he would sit down.

“Minseok, right?” Luhan reached into the pocket of his jacket, pulling out Minseok’s card.

“Yes.” Minseok stared at the middle of the table.

“Minseok, I am truly sorry I upset you yesterday. I didn’t mean to.”

“I know.” Minseok wasn’t sure that he did know, but he could pretend.

“See, I have a bit of interest in Mysophobia, the fear of germs. I am a psychiatrist by profession, my office is here in the hospital.” Luhan leaned back, observing Minseok’s reactions. “And I couldn’t help but see the way you handled yourself and to be honest, I really would like to work with you.”

“Work with me?” Minseok raised his head, made eye contact. Work with him? He meant laugh, he probably meant laugh at him.

“Yes. I think you are likely treatable, that is if you are willing to try.” Luhan never broke eye contact. It made Minseok nervous.

“Willing to try…” Minseok repeated. Was he willing to try? What would it be like, not to feel like this? Could he lead a normal life, with friends and trips on weekends, maybe even a boyfriend?

“I can do it outside the office, just as friends. We could meet every week and just talk, see where your head is at.”

“Friends?” Minseok hadn’t had a friend in years.

“Yes, friends. I want to be your friend.” Luhan fiddled with his coffee cup.

“What do I need to do?” Minseok had never been this bold, this forward, this sure. Could he be cured? Was something like this curable?

“We can start small. Do you have something you can write on?”

Minseok felt his suit pocket. Yes, his appointment book. No one else had ever touched it, it was clean. He pulled it out.

“I want you to write down ten things that terrify you. The first should be the easiest for you to do, the tenth the most difficult, something you can’t even imagine doing.” Luhan’s eyes scanned the cafeteria, “For example, can you share food or drink with another person?”

“I…no.” Minseok knew this was impossible.

“How about touching a doorknob, without your gloves on.” Luhan suggested.

“If I disinfect my hand afterwards, perhaps.” Minseok bristled at the thought of his hands, his dry and chapped disgusting hands coming into contact with a germ ridden doorknob.

“Good, then that can be number one.” Luhan waited patiently as Minseok began to write.

 

1.Touch a doorknob without my gloves on.

2\. Ride public transportation.

3\. Visit a store and touch something without my gloves.

4\. Wear the same suit two days in a row.

5\. Drink out of another person’s cup.

6\. Touch someone’s hands without my gloves on.

7\. Eat a meal with someone.

8\. Let someone into my apartment.

9\. Let someone touch my bed.

 

“What is number ten?” Luhan peeked over the list.

“I…” Minseok wasn’t sure. Not yet. Not really, not fully, not completely.

“We will work on this list, Minseok, together.” Luhan left number ten alone, not prying or urging Minseok to fill in the spot. He was smiling again.

“So, I have to do all of these things?” Minseok started to feel nervous just imagining completing one thing off the list.

“It is exposure therapy. But don’t worry, we won’t do them all at once, and we will work at whatever pace is comfortable for you.” Luhan had his hands on the table, he reached them forward ever so, as though he could calm Minseok’s fears with the small action.

“Why? Why me?” Minseok was certain Luhan probably had enough patients to worry about. He probably made good money as a psychiatrist too, why would he waste his time on Minseok?

“I will tell you why once we cross off everything on your list, including number ten.” Luhan checked his wristwatch. “Sorry, I have to get going. I have an appointment. Do you mind if I call you later so we could set up another time to meet?”

Minseok pulled out his phone. “What is your number?”

Luhan rattled off his number, Minseok saving it. “I will text you so you have my cell.”

“Very good.” Luhan stood, “Thanks for taking time to talk to me Minseok, I really like getting to know you.”

Minseok watched the psychiatrist walk away, wondering if any of this would ever work.

***

 

1\. Touch a doorknob without my gloves on.

3/17

9:51 PM

Luhan: How about the Angel Café, 3:00 PM?

Minseok read and reread the text message. He had agreed to it, pushing ‘yes’ and ‘see you there’ in a hurry because he was afraid if he analyzed the situation he would likely never respond. Yet he had responded, which meant he had to go to a café. Had to.

He walked to the café, it was near enough his apartment any way. He bundled up in a red plaid scarf, his thick black wool coat pulled tightly around him. The weather was cold, which eased Minseok’s mind a bit. At least when it was cold no one asked why he wore gloves everywhere. Well…no one except Luhan.

Minseok spent the walk to the cafe thinking about Luhan. He had found himself doing a lot of that – thinking of Luhan - over the last four days.

He wondered how old Luhan was; probably mid-twenties Minseok decided. He had to be old enough to have completed his education to work as a psychiatrist. Minseok thought that Luhan didn’t look like he was in his mid-twenties, though Minseok was used to people thinking the same thing about him. Everyone always mistook him for someone in University. Minseok had taken to wearing his hair styled up in an effort to “look his age”. It never quite worked, no one would believe he was thirty one years old.

As Minseok waited at a cross walk, standing a few feet from the mass of people waiting for the ‘walk’ signal he found himself wondering what type of patients Luhan normally saw. Were they all like Minseok, fixated on something? Did Luhan meet them outside his clinic?

Walking past the small bookstore Minseok considered that maybe asking for help from someone younger than himself was foolish. How did Minseok even know that Luhan was a psychiatrist? What if he had been lying? What if-

“Hey! Minseok! Over here!”

It was Luhan, standing in front of the café. Minseok found himself offering a wave, a gesture that surprised him and caused him to awkwardly thrust his hand back down and to his side.

“Did you find the place alright?” Luhan asked, holding the door open.

“Yes.” Minseok wasn’t going to admit that he spent a half an hour memorizing how to get here, how he had thought about the path religiously over the last twenty four hours, that he had a hard time sleeping the night before because he kept repeating it over and over in his mind until it was like second nature to him.

“Good. I didn’t think about it until after I messaged you – that you might not know what café I was talking about.” Luhan rubbed his hands together as the door shut, his fingers red from the cold. “Do you mind if I order something?”

“No. Go ahead.” Minseok stood awkwardly by Luhan’s side as the younger man asked for one Americano, black. Minseok liked his coffee this way too. It was odd, that they had that in common.

“How about we sit by the window?” Luhan suggested. Minseok nodded, followed, sat.

The cheap wooden chairs scraped against the fake wood flooring of the café, making a loud, grating noise. Luhan took his jacket off, draping it over the back of his chair. He sat down, clutching his coffee. Minseok found himself staring, not that he meant to. No, he didn’t like to stare at people. Yet for some reason he wanted to stare at Luhan.

He certainly looked youthful. His eyes were large, dark brown, pretty. Luhan had sandy brown hair that was a bit too long, poised to soon hang a little too low and over his brow. Minseok thought his high cheekbones and well-formed chin only added to his youthful appearance. And that smile, always playing on his lips – made him look young too.

“How have you been?” Luhan blew on the hot coffee, trying to cool it.

“Good. Junmyeon has been discharged from the hospital.” Minseok suddenly felt how acutely awkward this all was, how abnormal he was. Minseok didn’t have anything else to say, any other life event to fill Luhan in on. Because there were none. There never was anything. Work. His apartment. Nothing else.

“You are his assistant, right?” Luhan didn’t seem to mind Minseok’s lack of an exciting life, “What does an assistant do?”

Minseok cleared his throat. “I run errands, keep his schedule. Send emails, organize.”

“Interesting. I have never met a professional assistant before.” Luhan looked genuinely interested and Minseok felt acutely uncomfortable.

“It doesn’t bother you running errands?” Luhan cocked his head to the side as he asked, a strange gesture that seemed to signal Luhan’s interest. Minseok looked away, finding the gesture a bit too disarming for his tastes.

“No. I can do it, with my gloves and well, since I have to.” Minseok answered honestly.

“That makes sense.”

“How long have you been a psychiatrist?” Minseok really wanted to know.

“Five years.” Luhan took a sip of his coffee, savoring the hot beverage he smacked his lips together, then laughed. “Sorry, I just really like their coffee.”

“No problem.” Minseok glanced at the menu, written on the large chalkboard resting behind the counter, “They seem to have a large selection.”

“Yes, and it is very good. Well, everything that I have had any way.” Luhan set the cup down on the table. “Have you thought about the list you made? Do you want to try the first one today?”

Minseok could feel his heartrate increase, his chest tighten. Luhan was looking at him, wide eyed. “I…I can try.”

“How about when we leave, you can open the door?” Luhan suggested.

Minseok nodded, sneaking a peek at the door. At the doorknob. It was likely tainted with a thousand germs, everyone who entered or left – people who might never wash their hands – had touched it. Tainted…

“Do you watch television, Minseok? Do you like sports?” Luhan managed to drag Minseok’s attention away from the door.

They talked then. And it got easier. Oddly easier as Luhan kept asking questions and Minseok kept answering. He found himself asking questions too. Was Luhan from Seoul? No, Beijing, though he had been in Korea for the better part of a decade. Luhan liked soccer, so did Minseok. He watched it at night after work.

Luhan told Minseok about how much he detested the cold. Minseok found himself speaking, so oddly free “I like the cold. It is the only time people don’t ask why I wear gloves everywhere. The winter, I mean. During the winter people don’t ask.”

“That makes sense. No wonder you like the winter.” Luhan had winked and taken another sip of coffee. Minseok felt his cheeks flush. Was it getting hard to breath or was it his imagination?

“Do you know when your Mysophobia started? Did an event trigger it?” Luhan asked the question that Minseok couldn’t answer.

“No…I can’t remember anything that specifically triggered it.” Minseok had tried to reason his phobia out many times. There wasn’t anything he could remember that made him this way. Somewhere, lost in his memories, was a time in his youth when he went from playing and running around with school mates to his current lifestyle, yet he could never pinpoint why nor the exact moment his life had changed.

“Minseok, what is one thing you wish you could do but you can’t. Not your list.” Luhan waved his hands, dismissing the list with his gesture, “I mean, if you are free of your phobia, is there something you have always wanted to do but couldn’t?”

Minseok thought for a moment. “I don’t know. Have friends. Be normal.”

“I see.” Luhan sipped his coffee.

“Luhan, why are you doing this?” Minseok asked, THE QUESTION pushed to the front of his mind again.

“I told you, I will reveal all once we get through your list.” Luhan picked up his coffee cup, downing the last drop. “Should we go?”

Go? Go meant the doorknob. Go meant…

“I will be right behind you.” Luhan stood first, Minseok followed.

The door loomed ahead, the doorknob. He had to take his gloves off but if he did then Luhan would see how ugly and cracked and utterly disgusting his hands were. He didn’t want Luhan to hate him, no, so he slipped his gloves off while he held his hands close to his body.

“Please don’t look.” Minseok asked, his voice cracking as he stared down the task at hand.

“I won’t.”

Minseok reached, knowing Luhan was standing behind him. Hearing Luhan’s soft breathing, he could even smell his cologne. Minseok inched his hand forward, slowly, slowly, until he had the knob in his hand. He could sense the germs spread, infecting him. He twisted the knob, throwing the door open he stepped out quickly.

“Are you okay?” Luhan was there, close. Minseok didn’t realize he had doubled over, his breathing ragged. His gloves, he needed his gloves. But his hands were already tainted, disgusting.

“I….”

“You did an amazing job, Minseok.” Luhan reassured him.

Did he? Was that what he did? Then why did he feel like passing out? Like scrubbing himself for hours on end.

“Let’s meet up here next week, same time?” Luhan sounded bright and cheery.

Minseok managed to stand up, to shake off the nausea, to take a few deep breaths and to look at Luhan. “Yes. Next week.”

“Will you be okay getting home?”

“Yes, I will.” Minseok offered his own small smile as Luhan turned to go.

What was happening to him?

***

 

~~1\. Touch a doorknob without my gloves on.~~

2\. Ride public transportation.

3\. Visit a store and touch something without my gloves.

Minseok arrived first. The Angel Café wasn’t busy, just as deserted as it had been the week prior. He wondered momentarily if Luhan picked this time of day because he knew it wouldn’t be crowded, he knew it wouldn’t be as scary to Minseok this way.

Minseok opened the door, but he didn’t remove his gloves. No, he wasn’t that comfortable yet. He took a seat at the table by the window, staring out at the street.

It had been a week since they last met. Minseok spent the last seven days confronting something that he couldn’t name. It involved Luhan, but why. Why was he thinking of the sandy haired Psychiatrist at night? Why did he end up forgetting to tell Junmyeon about an important meeting because he was too busy wondering what Luhan was doing? Why couldn’t he sleep last night because the thought of seeing Luhan gave him a weird sort of energy that kept his brain awake?

“Hi!” Luhan walked into the café and zeroed in on Minseok. “Sorry if I am late. I try to always be on time.”

“No, you aren’t late. I was a bit early.” Minseok smiled, not as widely as Luhan – no Luhan smiled gratuitously and brightly, Minseok hesitantly and slowly.

“Good then. I mean, that I wasn’t late. So, I was thinking we could try going shopping today. If you want to.”

Minseok considered. Shopping? Had he ever been shopping with someone? He couldn’t remember anyone ever asking him to go shopping. No, he had his food delivered. He did go to a store now and then to fetch something for Junmyeon, but it was an errand that he completed with his gloves and because he had to. Minseok was certain what Luhan was asking involved him taking off his gloves, touching an object.

“I guess I could try.”

“Good. Should we take the metro?” Luhan must have memorized Minseok’s list. Yes, he had to of memorized the list because taking public transportation was second, shopping was third.

“Yes.” Minseok’s agreement found him standing in a crowded subway car, Luhan beside of him, watching him with great interest.

“Do you feel okay?” Luhan was holding onto the metal handrail. Minseok couldn’t touch the handrail himself, not yet. It was enough being so close to everyone, bristling as the swarms of people crowded into the subway car.

“I think so.” Minseok tried to breakdown his emotional and physical state. Compare and contrast to what was “normal”. How did he feel? He didn’t feel like fainting. No, but then again he hadn’t touched anything. Luhan bought the tickets. Luhan had made sure to push the metal turnstile for him. Luhan was there, so Minseok could feel okay.

“I need to pick up a few things for my apartment so I was thinking we could go to a little store by my house.” Luhan explained quickly “Do you need to buy anything.”

Minseok shook his head. He hadn’t told Luhan about how his food was delivered, taken inside his apartment, an hour spent disinfecting all packages before he could put the food away. But Luhan had probably guessed as much. Minseok had started to wonder if Luhan didn’t already know everything about him. Maybe he even knew how much he was looking forward to seeing him, how he thought about him all day. Minseok blushed.

“What is it?” Luhan noticed Minseok’s reddening face, “Are you embarrassed to be seen out and about with such a handsome man as myself.” Luhan teased.

“Shouldn’t you be embarrassed?” Minseok answered immediately, without thinking of how terribly flirtatious it all sounded. The heat in his face only increased with his own misstep.

“Yes, I should be. You are quite a handsome man, Minseok.” Luhan didn’t react like it was a misstep. Minseok felt even more embarrassed.

The small shop was just that – small – closed in. Minseok had to be careful of where he walked lest he bump into a hastily put up display or collide with some of the mismatched glassware that was stacked precariously close to the edge of the shelf.

“Can you hand me that cup?” Luhan pointed to a blue and white coffee mug, perched on the top shelf.

“If...if you look away.” Minseok requested.

“Minseok, look at me.” Luhan waited until Minseok made eye contact before he continued, “You don’t have to hide your hands from me. Seriously.”

“They are ugly.” Minseok didn’t think Luhan knew exactly how hideous his hands were or he certainly would be bothered by it.

“No. I don’t think they are. I am not going to look away.” Luhan stood his ground.

Minseok flinched. If he didn’t remove his gloves, if he didn’t pick up the cup what would happen? Would Luhan refuse to see him? Would their meetings end? What was worse, the cup or never seeing Luhan again?

Minseok tugged at the glove on his left hand, pulling it down he grimaced at the sight of his scaly, dry, chapped hands. Flexing his fingers once then twice he reached for the cup. Minseok didn’t dare turn to see the look on Luhan’s face. It was probably a look of revulsion, of horror.

Minseok felt the handle of the cup, tentatively…testing. Minseok was certain the coffee mug was infected too, dirty. Everything in the shop probably was, it all looked so outlet, odd lot thrown together. He told himself he was doing it for himself and because deep down he wanted to see Luhan again. So Minseok gripped the cup, pulling it off the shelf quickly, thrusting it towards Luhan as he shut his eyes tightly, not willing to see Luhan’s look of disgust.

The seconds seemed to pass like minutes, Minseok jutting his arm out, waiting. He heard the rustle of Luhan’s coat as the other man reached forward. Take the cup, take the cup, Minseok repeated over and over in his mind.

He jumped back, shocked, when the cup remained in his hand but a new sensation teased him, ran up the back of his hand. Opening his eyes with a start he gasp as he watched Luhan trace a finger up the back of his hand. “I like your hands, Minseok.”

Minseok felt the cup fall, his grip loosening as he quickly pulled his hand back towards his body, wanting – no, needing to hide it. Thankfully Luhan caught the cup before it hit the floor and shattered into dozens of pieces.

“My hands are ugly.” Minseok pulled out his glove, quickly slipping it back on.

“No, they aren’t. I like them.” Luhan put the cup in the plastic shopping basket he was carrying, “I think this should be everything.”

Minseok shifted on his feet as Luhan paid for his purchases, making small talk with the teenage cashier. Once they were outside the store Luhan hesitated. “Will you be okay going home by yourself?”

“On the subway?” Minseok wasn’t sure he could do it. Could he? He had done an amazing thing today. Two amazing things. He felt like he had accomplished something, but that was with Luhan. Thanks to Luhan. Could he do it alone?

“A taxi would probably work better for you.” Luhan suggested.

A taxi. Minseok had been in taxis before, how could he not when he didn’t own a car and worked in a capacity that had him darting around completing errands. He could do a taxi.

“I should be fine taking a taxi.”

“Good. Same time next week?”

“Same time, next week.” Minseok knew he would spend the next seven days counting down, thinking. Only this time he had something new to focus on. What it felt like to have Luhan touch him – trace a finger across the back of his hand.

***

“Minseok, did you ever find out anything about that man that saved me?” Junmyeon was busy scrolling through his emails, not bothering to look up as he asked Minseok the question.

“Luhan?” Minseok hadn’t told Junmyeon that they had been meeting. “I, yes. I ran into a few times.”

“Really! So his name is Luhan.” Junmyeon glanced up from his phone. “Did he agree to be compensated for his good deed?”

“I...” Minseok hadn’t talked to Luhan about compensation for anything. It was sort of an embarrassing topic. “I can ask if I see him again.” Minseok wasn’t sure that he would, wasn’t sure he could bridge that topic again.

“Very good.” Junmyeon returned to his phone, throwing out a few frustrated comments as he made his way through his inbox.

“Hey boss. Minseok.” Jongdae walked into Junmyeon’s office, a stack of files in his hand. “The proofs for the fall campaign are in.” His words immediately gained Junmyeon’s attention, Junmyeon throwing the phone on his desk and standing up.

“Good, good. Let’s see them.”

The three of them poured over the proofs, Jongdae circling any inconsistencies or items that Junmyeon wanted changed. After all of the proofs had been reviewed Jongdae packed up the files, picking up the stack. As Jongdae stood the heavy load shifted in his arms, the top file falling. Minseok reached out, catching it before it hit the floor.

“Thanks.” Jongdae stood still as Minseok set the file back on the stack.

“Has something changed with you?” Jongdae asked as he walked towards the door.

“Changed?” Minseok wasn’t sure he understood the question.

“Yeah. Before you would never have reached out and caught something like that. And I don’t think I have seen you in the bathroom washing your hands as much lately either.”

“Oh.” Minseok shrugged. “I um, maybe I have just been busy.”

“Maybe. It is good to see.” Jongdae let Minseok open the door for him, another action that Minseok probably would not have undertaken a few weeks prior.

How could he be changing so quickly? Minseok had spent years like this, years perfecting a control over everything and anything. How could Luhan change him so swiftly? Was he really changing? He still couldn’t imagine doing things like going to a grocery store or not wearing gloves. Yet he was able to take a train, he was able to touch the cup, he could open a door once without his gloves.

Was it because he didn’t want Luhan to leave him? Because he knew as he progressed down his list he would finally know why Luhan was helping him to begin with? Was it all because of Luhan?

***

It wasn’t quite a week that passed when Minseok saw Luhan again. This time it was by accident though, they hadn’t prearranged anything. Minseok was at the hospital, accompanying Junmyeon to his checkup when he happened to encounter Luhan, coffee in hand.

“Minseok!” Luhan smiled and waved. Minseok felt a bit of a rush at Luhan’s usual, bright and cheery greeting.

“Luhan.” Minseok managed his own small smile.

“What are you doing here?”

“Junmyeon is here for a checkup.” Minseok explained, “Are you working right now?”

“Yes. And no. Sort of. I am on call and came in to check on some files.” Luhan pointed down the hall, “Do you have a second? I was just taking a break.”

Minseok glanced at the clock on the wall. Junmyeon had just gone into the doctor’s office, he probably had a bit of time to kill. “Sure.”

They walked to a small seating area near the psychiatry offices.

“I was just thinking of you today, actually.” Luhan cocked his head to the side, playfully. “Your team lost yesterday and I really wanted to rub it in.”

“Hey!” Minseok pouted, “It isn’t like your team is doing any better, all things considered.”

“Well, they didn’t lose their last game so I am taking that as a sign that they are on an upswing.” Luhan teased.

“I disagree.” Minseok glared.

“You look cute when you are mad.” Luhan commented.

“Cute?” Minseok wrinkled up his nose. He was a man, not someone who was cute. He would have dwelled on the comment if Luhan didn’t change the subject right away, launching into a story of how much he doubted the outcome of his favorite baseball team’s recent player trade.

They fell into playful banter, Minseok easily forgetting how many minutes had passed. Luhan was so easy to be with, so nice to talk to.

“I think I have to be going back.” Luhan stood, “I am really happy I ran into you here.”

“Yeah, me too.” Minseok meant it, meant it so much it hurt. Really hurt – his chest was tight and his mind foggy and he wanted very much to understand why because the pain was accompanying a sense of happiness, of what it might feel like to understand the term carefree, at least in a cursory sense.

“See you tomorrow?” Luhan offered a friendly reminder of their usually scheduled time.

“Sure.” Minseok watched Luhan walk away, repeating the word tomorrow quietly - a mantra of sorts.

***

 

~~1\. Touch a doorknob without my gloves on.~~

~~2\. Ride public transportation.~~

~~3\. Visit a store and touch something without my gloves.~~

4\. Wear the same suit two days in a row.

“Can we take the subway again?” Minseok had suggested it. “I want to see if I can touch the hand railing.”

“Sure.” Luhan agreed readily. They could go to another store or even just a long walk at a park, Luhan offered.

Luhan chatted the entire way to the subway station, about his favorite soccer player (and Minseok’s losing team) and how loud and obnoxious one of his new neighbors was. Minseok found himself laughing, lost in the way Luhan could make an insignificant every day event come alive, turning it into something exciting and interesting.

So unlike himself, Minseok thought, so unlike how boring and staid he made everything.

“You look a bit tired today.” Luhan noticed as they walked down the long steps into the station.

“I didn’t sleep well last night.” Minseok told the truth, the bare bones of it. He couldn’t sleep well, why he couldn’t sleep well he wouldn’t admit to. It was because he couldn’t stop the way his heart raced at the thought of seeing Luhan, of spending time with him. Emotions that still confused Minseok, more so after their meeting the day prior. More so when he found himself smiling and laughing.

Minseok wondered, was this what it felt like to be friends with someone? Minseok hadn’t had a close friend in years, not since his school days. Did he feel like this then? No, he didn’t think so.

“If you want to go a different day we can. I don’t want to drag you around if you are tired.” Luhan stopped in front of the ticket counter.

“No, no, I am fine.” Minseok fished in his pockets for a few dollars. “You will be happy to know one of my co-workers said I seem to be changing.”

“Really?! That is great Minseok!” Luhan beamed.

“Should I pay?” Minseok, heart racing, palms sweaty, would pay for the tickets. He would touch them, maybe even take his gloves off to touch the metal turnstile. Yes, for Luhan, he would do that for Luhan. Because Luhan smiling, happy at his progress, yes, that was his motivation.

Minseok approached the counter, money in gloved hand he requested two tickets. He slipped the money under the window, only too late did he realize he hadn’t paid in exact change. That wasn’t part of the plan. No, he didn’t want change back.

The woman pushed the tickets back under the window, a few bills in change as well. Minseok froze.

I have my gloves on, I have my gloves on, he repeated over and over. He froze, his heart racing, and then the walls started to close in. The money, it was tainted. Dirty, he shouldn’t touch it. He shouldn’t touch it. His head felt light, the nausea overtaking him.

“Minseok!”

Minseok fell, crouching down, the dirty floor of the station glaring up at him. Filthy, it was so filthy. People all around him, dirty shoes, bare hands. Bare hands. He felt that he couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t move.

“I’m sorry.” It was Luhan, muttering a quick apology as he bent down, scooping Minseok into his arms. “I am cleaner than the floor and if I carry you on my back it would be more contact.”

Minseok gasped, sucking in a few breaths. Luhan was holding him, carrying him. Luhan was warm…so warm. Minseok wanted to hide his face, were people staring? They were all probably staring, whispering. How could Luhan bear it, the embarrassment, the criticism?

“It will be okay. Just hold tight.” Luhan whispered, tightening his grip on Minseok.

***

Minseok woke up in a pitch dark room. Gasping, the memories flooded back. He had become panicked at the station. Luhan had picked him up, carrying him. Where was he?

Minseok tried to stand up, fumbling his leg collided with something. A loud crash followed. The door was thrown open, a light turned on.

“Minseok, you are awake.” Luhan rushed from the doorway, towards the bed. “How are you feeling?”

Minseok looked down to see a metal tray on the floor. He must have knocked it over when he attempted to stand up. Luhan was crouching down in front of him, a look of concern on his face. “Where am I?”

“I brought you to the hospital, you fainted. Don’t worry, I didn’t check you in or anything, you are in a room of the psychiatry clinic, the doctors sleep here when they are on call.” Luhan put his hands on the bed, on each side of Minseok, so close but not daring to touch the man. “I am sorry if I pushed you, you said you were tired and I should have suggested we meet another day.”

Minseok wasn’t going to let Luhan blame himself. He let it out, more than he should of, his emotions bubbling up as he recalled what Luhan had done for him; how he had carried him out of the station, saved him. “No. It was my own fault. Luhan, this won’t – you won’t stop seeing me because of this, will you?”

“Stop seeing you?” Luhan appeared to be confused.

“Yes, I mean. Luhan I think I am getting better. I can do more now. I try, I actually try. But I only, I try…I try because I think you make me able to try. Luhan, I am sorry I fainted. I am so sorry.”

Luhan removed his hands. He stood up. “Minseok. Don’t worry. We can still see each other.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Though honestly I think you should probably spend time with other people now. Try to accomplish some of your list with them. It would be the most logical next step.” Luhan’s expression changed, Minseok could sense it. So, was he upset? Had he ruined it?

“Other people?”

“Yes. Didn’t you say you have a co-worker, perhaps you could try doing something with him? You need to learn how to break out of your comfort zone with others. Isn’t that what you wanted, to be able to go out with other people, have friends?” Luhan looked so friendly, so caring, Minseok couldn’t say no. Couldn’t disagree.

“I like seeing you, though.” Minseok stared at the floor, kicking his feet as they hung over the side of the bed.

“I like seeing you too.” Luhan sighed, moving to lean forward. Minseok looked up, watching as Luhan neared him. What was going on? He was so close, so very close. Minseok gulped, unable to look away as Luhan inched his face closer to Minseok’s. Was he going to…?

“We should see each other in a couple of weeks, Minseok. Spend time with other people until then, okay.” Luhan stopped moving closer. His warm breath hit Minseok’s cheek. “Will you be okay taking a taxi home?”

“Yes.” Minseok agreed, gathering up his coat and shoes. Had Luhan taken them off of him? He couldn’t remember.

It was only once Minseok was home that he checked the time, realizing it was early in the morning. It still didn’t register until the next day that he had worn the same suit for over a day. He crossed another thing off his list thanks to Luhan.

***

 

~~1\. Touch a doorknob without my gloves on.~~

~~2\. Ride public transportation.~~

~~3\. Visit a store and touch something without my gloves.~~

~~4\. Wear the same suit two days in a row.~~

5\. Drink out of another person’s cup.

“Would you like to get a cup of coffee sometime, if you are free, I mean.” Minseok was sure the question sounded awkward, he waited patiently for a rejection.

“Sure. I would love to.” Jongdae grinned, “I had been hoping we could hang out for a while now but you always seem like you are busy after work.”

“Well, not really.” Minseok had been practicing. How to ask someone to have coffee, what he would talk about while they sat in the café. How he would cross something off his list so he could text Luhan about it.

They met for coffee in a café by their office, though Minseok didn’t order. Jongdae didn’t press it, Minseok claiming he had a stomach ache. He sipped water from a bottle of mineral water he had brought from home. Clean. Safe.

“You went to XXX College, right?” Jongdae asked. Minseok had, they had attended the same school. It was a good launching point for a long conversation.

Minseok appreciated how easily Jongdae conversed, he could talk for hours it seemed. Minseok barely had to say a word, only listen. It wasn’t bad, being out with someone like this. Though he couldn’t help but think about Luhan. What was he doing? Was he at the hospital?

Jongdae and Minseok met for coffee the next day. That weekend they went for a walk in a large park by Jongdae’s house. Minseok started to think it was nice to have a friend… though he was starting to focus on the fact that he hadn’t crossed one more thing off of his list. Which was bad. So bad.

Worse because Luhan hadn’t texted once. Hadn’t asked how he was doing or who he was hanging out with. Minseok tried to act like it didn’t bother him, but it did, terribly. He glanced at his phone constantly, waiting. Yet nothing.

“We could go to this little café I have been to.” Minseok suggested one day, Jongdae said yes. They walked together, to the Angel Café.

“Do you like the coffee here?”

“Yes.” Minseok lied. He had never tasted it. He would though. He would do it today. He would share a coffee with Jongdae. Yes, and then he would cross the line off his list and text Luhan that he had done it. That he was succeeding.

When it came time to order Minseok suggested they share a cappuccino.

“Share?” Jongdae was confused but agreed.

They sat at the table by the window. Minseok thought of Luhan. Staring at the cup of cappuccino he felt his heart rate increase. Here it was, the panic, the terror. Jongdae didn’t seem to notice, he chatted on and on, as usual he had a lot to say.

Minseok watched as Jongdae took a sip, then another. He would have to drink it too…soon. He reached for the cup, slowly, purposefully.

“Minseok.” 

Minseok turned quickly, positioning his body to see who was calling his name. But he knew, he didn’t really have to look. It was Luhan.

“Hi.”

“Hello.” Minseok smiled, yes – look happy. Look happy like you are fine, then he will talk to you. Then he will see you. Yes, Luhan liked progress. He would show progress.

“How have you been?” Luhan had a coffee in his hands, in a to-go cup.

“Great. Wonderful. Jongdae and I have been spending a lot of time together.” Minseok mimed happiness, mimed being carefree and full of life and not afraid.

“Nice to meet you.” Jongdae waved, “I work with Minseok.”

“I am Luhan, nice to meet you too. I um, I work at the hospital.”

“Minseok and I were just sharing a cappuccino, do you want to join us.” Jongdae offered, always so friendly and accommodating.

“No, I think I will be going now.” Minseok thought he saw a flicker of emotion in Luhan’s eyes, something – what was it. Luhan walked through the door and without considering how strange it was, Minseok bolted after him.

He rushed forward, standing in front of Luhan, blocking his path as much as he could on the sidewalk. “You haven’t texted.”

“You seem to be doing well.” Luhan with his smile. Minseok wondered how genuine his smile was.

“Yes, see, I am doing great, progressing...” What was next, what was next. Touch someone with his bare hands. Yes, that was next. Show Luhan, show him. Minseok slipped off his glove, holding his hand out, his arm shaking.

Luhan looked down at Minseok’s outstretched hand, hesitating for a moment before he slipped his hand into Minseok’s, shaking it lightly. Minseok could swear he shivered at the contact, missing it when Luhan pulled away.

“Minseok.” Luhan looked him straight in the eyes, “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

“What?” Minseok thought he must be joking. Not see him anymore? But he had been doing so well. He was doing so wonderfully. He was about to drink cappuccino and…and…

“Goodbye Minseok.” Luhan hailed a cab, he didn’t look back. He left.

Minseok stood outside the café, dumbfounded, not even bothering to slip his glove back on. Not until Jongdae was there, asking with concern, “Minseok, are you okay?”

“Jongdae, I have to go.”

Minseok walked back to his apartment, the tears flowing freely, his heart shattered.


	2. 2/2

“Have you had any contact with Minseok?” Junmyeon was worried. He asked Jongdae because he was the only person he knew that had spent time outside of work with Minseok.

“No. He won’t answer my calls.” Jongdae sighed. “The last time I was with him he seemed upset.”

“Well, he hasn’t been to work in three days. I am worried, he isn’t answering my calls either. This isn’t like him.” Junmyeon dragged a hand through his hair, “I should probably call the police.”

“Wait. There is someone that might know, but I don’t have his number.” Jongdae recalled Luhan showing up at the café. Wasn’t he the one who seemed to upset Minseok in the first place? “His name is Luhan.”

“Luhan?” Junmyeon thought for a moment, “I think I know that name. Wait! That is the person who pushed me away from the car.”

“He said he works at the hospital.” Jongdae wasn’t sure which hospital though.

“Probably University, the same one I was brought to. Go see if you can track him down. I would, but I have to get to a meeting and I don’t want this to wait.” Junmyeon handed Jongdae keys to his car, urging him to set off posthaste.

After a few minutes wondering around the hospital, browsing the directory near the entrance, Jongdae found luck. Luhan came to him.

“Jongdae, right?” Luhan smiled, sidling up to Jongdae. “Are you looking for someone in particular?”

“Um, yes. I was looking for you actually”

“Is everything okay?” Luhan appeared concerned.

“Yes...no, well. I am not sure, have you been in contact with Minseok? He hasn’t been in the office for a few days and we are worried about him.” Jongdae watched Luhan’s reaction closely, curious what he was to Minseok and vice versa.

“Have you tried to call him?” Luhan suggested.

“Yes, but he won’t answer my calls. Do you think you could try calling him? Maybe he will answer for you.”

“I don’t see why he would answer for me and not you.” Luhan shrugged, “I am sure he would pick up your calls over mine.”

“Listen, this may not be my place but he – after he saw you the other day he was really upset. I am not sure why, but I think you mean a bit more to him than you think.”

“Really? He seemed fine sharing coffee with you.” Luhan countered.

“We didn’t share coffee. He watched me drink it. Now please, can you at least try to call him?” Jongdae found that he slightly disliked Luhan, his unwillingness to reach out to Minseok annoying him.

“Fine. I will.” Luhan answered tersely.

“Thank you.” Jongdae bowed, taking his leave. He desperately hoped that Luhan could get through to Minseok.

***

Minseok wasn’t sure what day it was. Had it been three days? No, maybe four. Or less? He felt around his bed for his phone. Pushing the power button did nothing, the screen remained black. His phone had probably run out of batteries a while ago. How many messages had he missed? Did Junmyeon already fire him?

The charger was on his nightstand. Minseok plugged his phone in, powering it up. Dozens of missed calls from Junmyeon, dozens from Jongdae. He ignored them. Then he noticed a miss call from Luhan – yesterday. A text message too.

4/26

4:04 PM

Luhan: Can you meet me at the café tomorrow at 3:00? I need to tell you something.

Minseok glanced the time, the date. The message was sent the day before, the current time was almost 9:00 PM. He had missed it. He had missed the meeting. He had missed seeing Luhan.

Or…could he, would he – could he have waited? No, that was insane. There was no way that he would still be at the café. No way.

Minseok found himself pulling on his pants, his suitcoat, his gloves, and his jacket in record time. He dashed out the door, rushing down the sidewalk at a furious pace. When he reached the cafe, he saw a familiar figure waiting at the table by the window. Luhan.

Minseok pushed the door open, striding over to the table he blurted out, “Why are you still here?”

Luhan looked up from the book he was reading, and smiled. He fucking smiled. “Minseok. Are you okay?”

“Am I okay?” Minseok wanted to laugh and cry – no, he wanted to do both at once. He turned heel instead and left the café, not bothering to notice that Luhan was following closely behind him. Not bothering to notice until he was standing outside, fuming, and a pair of arms reached out, circling his shoulders, turning him around, embracing him.

“I am so glad you are okay. I was so worried.” Luhan murmured into the crook of Minseok’s neck.

Minseok couldn’t move, his gloved hands balling up into fists. Luhan was warm, so very warm. And close. So close. So…germs.

“I am sorry, what I said to you the other day. I can explain, if you will let me.” Luhan hugged him tighter. Minseok couldn’t remember the last time he had been hugged. The last time he let someone hug him.

“Can we go for a walk?” Luhan asked, still not breaking the embrace.

“Yes.” Minseok breathed into Luhan’s jacket. It smelled nice. Minseok attempted to ignore what it meant to be so close to someone, so close he could smell them. So close…germs.

They walked a few blocks in silence, then Luhan started explaining. “Minseok, I thought it would be better if you spent time with other people because I was worried.”

“What were you worried about?” Minseok couldn’t understand.

“That you were becoming too dependent on me. That I was becoming your motivation.” They were in front of a closed bookstore, Luhan ducked into the large recessed opening, gesturing for Minseok to follow him. An ounce of privacy on a city street. “I was afraid what that meant.”

“I don’t understand.” Minseok was confused. Wasn’t Luhan there to help him? Wasn’t dependency part of that?

“Minseok, as a Psychiatrist I have a very important relationship with my patients. I am there to treat them, to help them, to be impartial and methodical. With you…I…I don’t want to have the same type of relationship and that is wrong. I can’t be the one to help you anymore, not when I feel like this.”

Minseok’s heart felt like it would burst out of his chest. “What do you mean, feeling like this?”

“Minseok, I like you. A lot. Not as a friend. And that fact scares me, because I can’t do this, not while we work on your treatment, not if you want me to treat you. It isn’t fair to you or to me.” Luhan wasn’t making eye contact this time. He was staring out towards the street, his hands in his pockets. “I am sorry I didn’t tell you the truth, sorry that I cut everything off so abruptly. I am truly sorry. It was the sight of you, happy with Jongdae, I …Minseok, I was jealous. It made me realize things. I like you.”

“You like me.” Minseok focused on the three words. Like. Luhan liked him. Luhan, who made his heart race, Luhan liked him. Did he like Luhan? Is that what he felt? What was this, why did his head hurt? Why…

Luhan sighed, was he regretting the fact, Minseok wondered. “Why did you miss work?” Luhan bridged the topic.

“I…” Could he say it? Because after Luhan told him they shouldn’t see each other again he gave up. Minseok didn’t want to leave his house. Minseok didn’t want to pretend that he could do something like go to work or care about meetings or care about anything. Luhan, why, how did it come to this? Minseok wasn’t going to explain why he didn’t go to work. No.

“I need to go.” Luhan took a step forward.

Minseok blurted out the words, not holding back. “I don’t want you go.”

“It is hard for me not to touch you when I am with you. I want to. So bad.” Luhan was looking into his eyes, moving closer. “Minseok, I can’t. We can’t do this. Can’t you see why we can’t do this?”

Minseok gulped. Images of change facilitated by Luhan danced in his mind. Images of years prior, of fear and self-loathing and a future where Luhan was no longer there, a sad memory among sad memories. Perhaps everything was easier than he thought. “You said you were meeting me as a friend. I don’t go to see you at the hospital. It isn’t the same as other patients.” Minseok wondered if he was trying to convince himself or Luhan, “Luhan, I ...want to do this.”

Luhan moved closer. Was it supposed to scare him away? Minseok watched, holding his breath. If it was someone else he would flee at the close proximity, shut down. Not with Luhan, he could stand it if it was Luhan.

“What if I touch you?” Luhan was only inches away, Minseok appreciated how Luhan’s long eyelashes played on his cheeks when he blinked, how his pretty pink lips hung open ever so – he almost seemed…clean.

“You…can touch me.” Minseok gasp as he spoke, anticipating.

“Can I touch your hand?” Luhan breathed, waiting for Minseok to agree. Minseok nodded, slowly, closing his eyes as he waited.

Luhan inched his glove off little by little, his fingers tracing the contours of Minseok’s right hand. Minseok gasp, feeling a heat course through his body at the contact. Such a simple thing, a light caress. Minseok stifled a moan.

“You are so sensitive…aren’t you?” Luhan breathed into Minseok’s neck, craning forward so his head was almost touching Minseok’s. Minseok felt himself grow hard as Luhan continued caressing, lingering.

“You make it so hard for me to hold back.” Luhan’s voice was husky as he moved his fingers over Minseok’s knuckles, the older man shivering. “I don’t want to hold back.”

“Don’t.” Minseok moaned, his world turning into a blur as Luhan held his hand tightly, dragging him, guiding him.

“We should go to my apartment.” Luhan hailed a cab.

“Okay.” Minseok was too far gone already.

***

Luhan lived in a high rise, very similar in style to where Minseok lived. Older, affordable, but not at the bottom of the barrel in terms of housing in the city.

Luhan never let Minseok’s hand go, not as they boarded the elevator, not as Luhan punched in his passcode, throwing the door open. It was as if he was afraid Minseok would disappear if they lost physical contact. Once the apartment door was shut behind them, Luhan let Minseok’s hand slip away.

Luhan slipped his jacket and shoes off, motioning for Minseok to do the same. Minseok stared at the coat rack, considering for a moment. He eventually relented. He would need to throw out his suit any way. He slipped his shoes and jacket off, following Luhan into the living room.

Luhan flicked on a light then walked towards a dark hallway. Minseok followed, not knowing what else to do. When Luhan opened another door, turning on the light, Minseok stilled. It was Luhan’s bedroom, his large bed – unmade, the quilt thrown half on the floor – greeted him.

Luhan turned towards Minseok, his eyes half lidded. “Minseok.” He didn’t say anything more, just his name.

Minseok stepped forward this time. He wanted to prove it, that he wanted this. That he wanted Luhan to touch him.

Luhan gently placed his hands on Minseok’s shoulders, whispering “I want to kiss you, but I will wait. You haven’t shared a drink with anyone yet, after that, I can kiss you.”

Minseok nodded. It made sense. He wasn’t ready, no – he wasn’t ready for a kiss. Not yet.

“Lie down.” Luhan gently guided Minseok to the bed, watching as the man slowly sat, and then reclined back on the bed.

“Do you know what you do to me?” Luhan asked as he sat on the bed, being careful to position himself so he next to Minseok, not touching him.

Minseok didn’t answer, didn’t think Luhan really wanted an answer. No, Luhan didn’t need an answer. He watched as Luhan reached forward, running his hand down Minseok’s torso. It was an unbelievable sensation, the feeling of Luhan’s fingers, slowly tracing a place that no one else had touched.

Luhan seemed hesitant, careful, as he continued to touch Minseok. Slowly downwards, until his hand was resting on his waist. “I want to…can I?”

“Mm.”Minseok braced himself, unsure of how it would feel. No one had ever touched him there.

“I won’t do it with my bare hands.” Luhan whispered, the sound of his voice further driving Minseok into a madness of anticipation.

Minseok jumped when he felt Luhan’s hand on his cock. He shut his eyes tightly, not knowing if he could watch, not daring to. It was already so much.

Luhan began to move his fingers up and down, teasing Minseok’s cock through his pants. “Do you like this?”

“Yes.” Minseok moaned.

“You are so sensitive. Fuck.” Luhan picked up his pace, his fingers moving in a more hurried rhythm, his breath ghosting over Minseok’s neck and chest. Minseok bucked up, wanting more of Luhan’s touch. Minseok had touched himself now and then, but this was something else…a thousand times better.

“I can’t… it won’t take much.” Minseok gasp as Luhan went faster, gasp as he felt his release coming.

“Come, Minseok, come for me.” Luhan’s words were all that Minseok needed. He shook as he came, his cum staining the front of his pants, his body spasming as he came down from his climax.

“You are so beautiful, do you know that?” Luhan removed his hands slowly. Minseok opened his eyes to see Luhan smiling.

And then he realized what had happened. Minseok froze. He could feel it, the wet spot in his pants. Dirty, contaminated, he was disgusting. He sprung up from the bed. “I need to go.”

Luhan watched him, didn’t speak, observed as Minseok started for the door.

Minseok felt the familiar physical changes signaling an anxiety attack, slowing his pace. He felt filthy. Why had he agreed to this…why?

“Wait, at least change your pants before you go. I will let you borrow a pair of mine.” Luhan offered, walking to the dresser.

“No!” Minseok turned around, wanting to say more but unable to.

Luhan moved, reaching out he grabbed Minseok’s shoulders to still him. Minseok jerked away, grimacing. “Minseok, listen to me. It isn’t wrong, if that is what you are thinking.”

“I…” Minseok felt faint, sick.

“You liked it, right? And I like you. This isn’t bad or wrong or disgusting.” Luhan’s voice was soothing, calming. “At least change your pants.”

Minseok wasn’t sure he could make it through the door if he tried, not feeling like this, so he stayed. He stayed, changing into the pair of sweat pants Luhan offered him. Minseok’s mind was still in a haze as he left Luhan’s bedroom.

“Sorry about your pants.” Luhan was sitting on the couch, remote in hand. “Do you need me to call you a taxi or you could stay if you want?”

Minseok glanced at the clock on Luhan’s wall. “It is almost eleven!”

“Yeah, sorry. You can sleep here if you want.”

“No, I have to be going. I…well, work tomorrow. If I have a job any way.”

“Listen, I talked to Jongdae and you still have a job, so don’t worry. They really care about you there.” Luhan’s gaze was almost dripping with affection, Minseok thought. Minseok felt stifled by it.

Regaining his composure Minseok blurted out; “I know.” Minseok was thankful for that. Thankful that Junmyeon and Jongdae would be worried about him, would let him keep his job.

“Minseok, do you want to go to dinner tomorrow?” Luhan asked sweetly, as if he hadn’t just jerked Minseok off with throaty moans and desperately low and sinful words.

“Dinner?” Minseok considered. Yes, that was on the list. Or did the list matter anymore? “Sure.”

“Good. We can meet at the café around nine.”

***

Minseok took an unusually long shower that night, scrubbing his skin almost raw. The feeling of his climax, the resulting contamination – his body fluids – the moans that escaped him made him question why he had decided to let Luhan touch him.

After his shower Minseok threw Luhan’s sweats in the washer - on hot. They were likely contaminated, he didn’t want to transfer the germs to Luhan. He took extra care disinfecting his skin between his thighs, as close as he could to his genitals before they would burn from the alcohol. Slipping on a pair of pajamas he laid down in bed, carefully pulling the covers over him.

Luhan had touched him through his clothes. Minseok was thankful for that, Luhan hadn’t been contaminated.

Luhan’s hand felt good. Minseok wasn’t sure if he was thankful for that.

He buried his face in his pillow, counting down in even numbers until he fell asleep.

***

 

~~1\. Touch a doorknob without my gloves on.~~

~~2\. Ride public transportation.~~

~~3\. Visit a store and touch something without my gloves.~~

~~4\. Wear the same suit two days in a row.~~

5\. Drink out of another person’s cup.

~~6\. Touch someone’s hands without my gloves on.~~

7\. Eat a meal with someone.

Junmyeon had been more than willing to forgive and forget. “I was worried about you. Are you okay?”

“I think so. Sorry, it won’t happen again.” Minseok had spent most of the night asking himself that question- was he okay? Was he?

Luhan liked him. Luhan wanted to touch him. He should have been thinking about his job, if he had one, but instead he was thinking about Luhan. And the word “like”.

So was that what Luhan was going to tell him after they reached number ten? That he liked him? Was that the big secret, the reason for helping him? Or was there something else. Did the list matter? Was reaching the end of the list important or was spending time with Luhan important? And what did he feel for Luhan?

The hours seemed to stretch on and on, Minseok checking his phone when he could. Dinner, he would go to dinner with Luhan. Though it would stop there, no more touching. No, Minseok didn’t want it, no matter how he felt the day prior.

4/27

8:04 PM

Luhan: I am so, so sorry but I have to work late tonight. We won’t be able to go to dinner :(

8:28 PM

Minseok: That’s okay.

8:29 PM

Luhan: No, it isn’t. I really wanted to see you today.

Minseok read and reread Luhan’s last message. Luhan wanted to see him? After the way he reacted the day prior Minseok had considered perhaps Luhan would reject him, realize he made some sort of mistake, that he couldn’t handle taking some weirdo out to dinner. When Minseok received the first message he thought Luhan must have decided he wasn’t worth it.

Luhan wanted to see him.

Minseok had already chosen his favorite suit to wear and he wanted to understand why. Therefore he took a taxi to the hospital, bringing a couple extra pair of gloves just in case. He decided to wear a face mask as well, recent talk of flu season weighing heavily on his mind.

The Psychiatric department seemed empty, the receptionist gone, the offices dark. Minseok considered leaving, how foolish he was poking around somewhere because of a text message.

“Minseok?” Luhan stood in the doorway to one of the offices.

“I…” Minseok hadn’t thought what to say, how to explain his sudden appearance at Luhan’s workplace. He stumbled as he tried to come up with something, “I wanted to see where you work and I wasn’t sure if now was a better time since it is late and I was,um...”

“Is it because I said I wanted to see you.” Luhan smirked, he appeared amused.

“No! That isn’t it.” Minseok felt the heat rising in his cheeks, hopefully the face mask would cover his blush.

“Come in. I was just catching up on patient files.” Luhan stepped out of the doorway, beckoning Minseok to follow. Minseok walked into the office slowly, still embarrassed that he had so blatantly ran to Luhan.

Luhan’s office was tidy, a large bookshelf sitting on one end of the wall. Minseok appreciated the way the books were organized, in matching volumes and small to large sizes. A small desk sat in front of the bookshelf, a laptop open. There weren’t any pictures on the desk, the area was rather Spartan, impersonal. A couch, small side table, and two chairs rounded out the room’s furniture - Minseok deciding such an area was surely reserved for psychotherapy sessions.

“Sorry about dinner, one of the other doctors had to take emergency leave and I need to acclimate myself with his patients.” Luhan walked over to his desk, opening the desk drawer he asked; “Would you like a can of coffee?”

“A can?” Minseok wrung his hands, “Sure.” 

Luhan pulled out two cans, motioning towards the sofa, “Take a seat.”

“I am not interrupting you, am I?” Minseok started to feel panicked that perhaps he was inflicting his presence on Luhan. Unwelcome, unwanted.

“Minseok,” Luhan held the can of coffee out, “I wasn’t lying when I said I wanted to see you.”

“Oh.” Minseok took the coffee, holding it awkwardly in his hands. Was it clean? He stared at the can, the brown aluminum, attempting to guess where it had come from.

“You don’t have to drink from it if you are uncomfortable.” Luhan cracked his own can open, sipping it as he reclined back in the sofa.

“No! It is fine.” Minseok quickly opened the coffee, closing his eyes he took a sip.

“Your hair is down. You look so much younger with your hair down.”

“I have heard that before.” Minseok patted at his hair, his gloves causing a bit of static electricity as he moved his bangs aside.

“I like your hair like that.” Luhan set his can of coffee down on the small side table, “You should wear it that way more often.”

Minseok nodded.

“Were you okay getting home last night?” Luhan’s tone changed, Minseok noticed it immediately, the way his voice sounded lower, less upbeat, and more intense.

Minseok sighed, not sure how to explain that he had showered for an hour and spent a good amount of time administering disinfectant to his body post-shower in an attempt to rid himself of the disgust he felt coursing through him.

“Minseok, I hope you aren’t still feeling like what we did is wrong.”

“It is dirty.” Minseok whispered, not able to find his voice, not able to confidently explain the way he had wanted to peel his skin off.

“Minseok, look at me.” Luhan was moving closer, Minseok tensed. “Look at me.”

Minseok turned his head, clutching his can of coffee tightly.

“You liked it, didn’t you?” Luhan inched forward, repositioning himself so he had one arm on the couch behind Minseok, the other dangerously close to Minseok’s thigh. “Tell me if you didn’t like it.”

Minseok closed his eyes, trying to shut Luhan out. It wasn’t possible, not when he could feel Luhan’s breath on his cheek, smell him. Not when he knew Luhan was close, leaning closer. Not when he knew Luhan would touch him if he asked. Minseok felt his cock grow hard, his body not cooperating.

“Can I touch you?” Luhan purred into Minseok’s ear, sending shivers up the older man’s spine.

“Yes.” Minseok let his head fall back as he spoke, feeling like he had defeated his own sense of self, his own will, his grasp of cause and effect.

Luhan’s hand was quick to find the bulge in Minseok’s pants, quick to begin caressing, feeling how hard Minseok was. “Let me touch it.”

Minseok rocked forward slightly, Luhan took his movements as agreement. He undid the button on Minseok’s pants, pressing his hand inside.

Minseok gasp at the feeling of Luhan’s hand on his cock, nothing in between – the sensation so much more pleasurable than what he felt the day prior with a layer of fabric in the way.

Luhan hummed, stroking. “You are so, so good.”

Minseok moaned, clutching at the sofa cushions. He didn’t dare open his eyes, didn’t dare see what Luhan’s hand looked like down his pants. Minseok’s body felt like it was on fire as Luhan cupped his hand over Minseok’s balls, dragging a finger slowly across them.

Luhan traced his finger up Minseok’s length. When he reached the head he sheathed Minseok’s cock in his fist and began pumping. Minseok didn’t think it would take long – again. Luhan noticed the way Minseok was reacting, writhing, gasping and it seemed to set something off in him.

“We should do it together.” Luhan said, his voice husky.

Minseok opened his eyes, not sure that he understood. He stared at Luhan, wanting to understand. Needing to understand.

“Let’s do it together.” Luhan was smiling, though it wasn’t friendly or cheerful of anything other than something slightly sadistic and wanton.

Minseok didn’t have time to register that Luhan was unzipping his own pants, pulling out his cock, rubbing it on Minseok’s. He didn’t have time to realize until it was too late, until he felt Luhan’s dick on his own.

“No! I will contaminate you.” Minseok whined, attempting to sit up. Luhan pressed him down, not removing his hand, not removing his cock. Minseok gave in, slouching back down, relishing in the foreign feeling. Knowing he wanted it as much as Luhan wanted it. Knowing he didn’t want to deny, didn’t want to run away.

“You won’t contaminate me. Fuck- Minseok, you feel so good.” Luhan stroked their cocks in tandem, fast, jerking forward and throwing his head back.

Minseok was a mess, wrecked, as he felt his orgasm approach. He dared to look at Luhan, see how he stared back, his eyes dark, his face flushed. It was too much, too fucking much.

Minseok cried out, his seed spilling on Luhan’s cock. Luhan continued to stroke his own dick against Minseok, a few hard thrusts and he was coming as well, shooting his load on Minseok’s stomach.

Minseok blinked rapidly, loosening his grip on the couch cushions.

“You are so amazing, Minseok.” Luhan smiled as he stood, pulling his pants up. “Hold on, I will get a towel and a change of clothes.”

Minseok, his breathing ragged, tried not to look down and see the mess of body fluid on his abdomen. He stared at the ceiling, trying to count, trying to ignore, and trying…until he felt tears pool in his eyes.

Luhan walked out the door to the office, returning quickly. Minseok felt a towel move against his stomach, Luhan cleaning him. “I brought a pair of my scrubs. I hope that is okay, sorry that I made another mess.”

Minseok waited to lift his head until Luhan was done cleaning him off, until he could be certain that he wouldn’t have to see the mess, the contamination.

“Minseok, are you crying?” Luhan crouched down in front Minseok, his brow furrowed with concern. “Minseok, it is okay. Please don’t cry.”

Minseok hiccuped out a sob, sniffling. Luhan raised his hand as if he wanted to brush away the tears but he stopped short. He wouldn’t touch Minseok, he knew better. “What is it?”

“I contaminated you.” Minseok answered flatly, chocking back his tears, shoving his strong emotions back to a place where he could find them later, when he was alone in the shower.

“You didn’t contaminate me.” Luhan shook his head, “You didn’t. Really.”

“It was so dirty.”

“Minseok, are you more worried about me or you? Do you hate doing it because of me?” Luhan caught on, of course he caught on Minseok thought. Of course he figured it out that the guilt and revulsion tearing through Minseok had a lot more to do with how he felt he had defiled Luhan’s body and not vice versa. Though both held true, only one stronger than another.

“I don’t hate doing it.” Minseok wanted to clear that up, lest another chain of events were set off by the perception that he was unwilling. “I hate – I hate after, when…”

“Minseok, we can’t keep doing this. Not if it makes you feel this way.” Gone was the perverted Luhan, the Luhan who whispered sinful words.

Minseok swallowed. Can’t.Keep.Doing.This. If they stopped, if...what would happen. Would it end, the progress, the feeling? “Please, I don’t want to stop.”

“Say it.” Luhan stared at him, “Say it so I know that I am not tearing you up inside.”

“I like when you touch me.” It was barely above a whisper, Minseok stilling his breath, calming.

“Minseok.” Luhan spoke slowly, “Do you know when you say things like that it is hard for me to control myself.”

Minseok shivered.

“It makes me want to heal you, to feel you every day and see you gasping. One part of me wants to be the one to break through, to make it better. The other part of me wants to be the only one that can ever do that to you. The only one that can hear you speak about contamination….who can contaminate you.” Luhan had leaned forward as he spoke, hovering in a space that was so precariously close to Minseok’s lips that Minseok couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like to be kissed, ravished by Luhan. Mouth and body.

Luhan pulled away abruptly, grabbing the scrubs that he had set on one of the side chairs, immediately shifting the atmosphere from one of danger and passion to a casual conversation. “I owe you a suit. Or two.”

Minseok’s muscles felt like jello, unable to move he weakly grabbed at the clothing. “No, don’t worry about it.” How could Luhan so quickly change, from one moment to the next, from such dirty possessive words to something so every-day?

“You never want me to worry.” Luhan sighed, “I hope you know I will worry, Minseok. I like you, a lot.”

Minseok wondered if Luhan was waiting to hear him say it too, to speak terms of endearment. He couldn’t. Not yet.

“Are you free Friday night, for dinner? A makeup date? Same time?” Luhan asked, busying himself with picking up his discarded can of coffee.

“Yes. Friday night is fine.” Minseok responded, finally finding the energy to change his clothing.

***

The restaurant was upscale, Luhan even wore a suit, a change of pace from his usual casual clothing. Minseok had once questioned Luhan about it, how someone could wear something so casual but have such a professional, well profession – Luhan had assured him he was more comfortable that way. On the other hand Minseok always wore a suit, explaining when Luhan asked why that it made his gloves less noticeable.

Luhan did the talking, ordering the food and wine like an expert. Minseok was glad for it, he would have no idea what to order any way.

“Remember that you shouldn’t try to push yourself. Only eat if you want to.” Luhan was his usual smiley self, telling Minseok a lively sports story as they waited for their food. Minseok listened, smiling and laughing, forgetting how nervous he had felt as they walked into the restaurant.

Minseok hadn’t been to a restaurant with someone in years, he hated to watch people eat. The saliva, the saliva made him feel nervous. Could he do it now, now that he was with Luhan? The thoughts that had plagued him as Luhan opened the restaurant door…

When the wine arrived Luhan poured a glass for Minseok, he didn’t say anything about it – urge or tell Minseok to hold back if needed – he left the option open. Minseok found himself reaching, hesitantly taking the wine glass in his hand, putting it to his mouth. He drank, focusing on Luhan’s chatter as a means to distract himself lest panic set in. His method seemed to work, Minseok downing the glass of wine fairly quickly.

The food arrived and Minseok had to admit it smelled wonderful. A veal dish, Minseok’s mouth watered.

“This is really good, if you are up for trying it.” Luhan dug into his dinner with gusto, taking a big bite as Minseok still hovered on shaky ground – somewhere between eating and pushing the plate away. Perhaps it was the wine that did it, Minseok was feeling a bit buzzed. He reached for the fork and knife, carefully slicing the meat and raising the fork to his lips.

“I am so, so proud of you.” Luhan beamed at the sight, so much so Minseok was afraid he was drawing attention to them.

“Another glass?” Luhan noticed that the wine bottle was almost empty so he ordered another one. After many minutes and two empty plates the second bottle of wine was only half full.

“I feel a little drunk.” Minseok admitted, reaching for a glass of water. He sipped the cool liquid, amazed at his own ability to do so. Why was it easy tonight?

“A drunk Minseok, this should be interesting.” Luhan teased, seemingly finding glee in the way Minseok’s cheeks flushed at the comment.

Luhan paid for the dinner, Minseok thanking him profusely. The couple walked from the restaurant, both feeling a tad bit lightheaded from the wine.

Minseok stopped suddenly, realizing; “The list! I crossed something off the list!”

“You did.” Luhan winked, “I was wondering if you were still keeping track.”

“Not the drink though. I haven’t shared a drink with anyone.” As soon as the words left Minseok’s lips he felt a wave of panic, knowing full well why that one item on the list was so important to him. Luhan wouldn’t kiss him until he had shared a drink with someone, until he had proven he could handle that much contact.

“Should we go get a drink at a convenience store?” Luhan suggested.

Minseok agreed, following. They didn’t hold hands as they walked, Luhan never tried and Minseok was not going to attempt it either. They walked side by side, like old friends, talking and laughing and Minseok was starting to wonder if Luhan knew why he was hung up on drinking out of another person’s glass. If he was he didn’t say anything.

Minseok picked out a bottle of tea, Luhan paid for it. Once they were outside Minseok handed the drink to Luhan, “You first.”

Luhan opened the bottle, chugging from it and then handing it to Minseok. Could he do it?

“Minseok, if you don’t want to don’t.” Luhan watched, arms crossed.

“No, I can. Hold on.” Minseok stared at the mouth of the bottle, imagining what may be crawling around. Germs, germs from Luhan’s mouth. But wasn’t that the goal, the contact that he wanted? He raised the tea to his lips and drank, Luhan clapping as he did so.

“Good job!”

“Thanks.” Minseok found himself smiling, relieved he could take such a big step. Of course it was because he was with Luhan. “Only three more left.”

“What is number ten, did you ever write it down?” Luhan recalled the one line in Minseok’s list that was blank.

“No, I haven’t figured it out yet.” Minseok shrugged off the question, happy when Luhan changed the subject, delving into a rant about a television program he had been watching.

They walked some ways before Luhan looked at his phone, sighing. “I am going to have to stop by the hospital tonight. Will you be okay getting home alone?”

“Yes.” Minseok felt disappointed, oddly so, but there was little he could do about it.

“Sorry. Hey, if you are free on Sunday we should hang out.”

“Sunday would be nice.”

***

Minseok started the shower, the steam rising, the memory of eating and drinking and….he didn’t feel sick. Not like he had thought he would. He had thought he would spend most of the night vomiting, but his stomach didn’t feel queasy. Not really.

He showered and put on pajamas, going right to bed, the wine making him tired. He drifted off, waking up around three in the morning. When he awoke a wave of nausea hit him, delayed perhaps, the memory of veal and wineglasses and chefs and chewing. Saliva.

He threw up for almost an hour.

***

 

~~1\. Touch a doorknob without my gloves on.~~

~~2\. Ride public transportation.~~

~~3\. Visit a store and touch something without my gloves.~~

~~4\. Wear the same suit two days in a row.~~

~~5\. Drink out of another person’s cup.~~

~~6\. Touch someone’s hands without my gloves on.~~

~~7\. Eat a meal with someone.~~

8\. Let someone into my apartment.

9\. Let someone touch my bed.

Sunday came and went. Monday too. Tuesday dawned and Minseok had disinfected his house twice. Luhan never texted or called.

“You are looking down today, is everything okay?” Jongdae sensed Minseok’s despair, stopping him in the hallway outside of Junmyeon’s office.

“Yes, I am just tired.” Minseok lied.

“Take care of yourself, I mean it.” Jongdae playfully scolded, wagging a finger in Minseok’s face. Minseok promised he would, holding a smile until Jongdae was out of sight.

Should he stop by the hospital? Why hadn’t he already? The questions were bubbling up in his mind faster than he could reason them out, faster than he could try to come up with explanations that would drive away the anxiety and pain. He was sweating, he felt dizzy, chasing after Junmyeon’s errands list all day with a headache and a ceaseless feeling of failure. When the workday was done Minseok slogged home, drained and confused and conflicted and a million other things.

Maybe Luhan was sick. Maybe Luhan was busy and Minseok shouldn’t bother him. Maybe Luhan hated him and never wanted to see him again. Minseok typed one message then another, always erasing, always wanting to cry. Always.

***

Minseok went to the hospital on Thursday, finding some sort of confidence he didn’t know he had. When he walked to the reception desk in the psychiatry unit the receptionist rudely eyed him up and down.

“Is Luhan in?”

“And you are..?” The receptionist didn’t bother to look up from her computer screen.

“I am a friend.” Minseok stared down the hallway, visible from the receptionist’s desk. The hallway that led to Luhan’s office where they had…

“Sorry, I can’t divulge that information.” The receptionist seemed happy to be able to throw confidentiality in Minseok’s face, smiling and then going back to typing, ignoring him as he had broken some regulation or another that prohibited from asking about a doctor.

Minseok stared down the hall, wondering if the receptionist would be able to tackle him if he rushed for the office, if she could stop him if he really tried. Minseok dismissed the idea as the potential scene played out in his head, knowing full well he would be dragged out by big burly security guards and his suit would be full of their filth.

He was nervous, intensely nervous. Luhan didn’t call him that night, nor the next night either.

***

Minseok heard the knock on his door, though it was low and a bit muffled. Like the person knocking almost wanted the noise to be ignored. Minseok got out of bed, throwing on his robe. No one ever visited him so a knock was insanely out of place. Perhaps it was a mistake. It wasn’t.

It was Luhan.

“Can I come in?” Luhan was wearing scrubs. He must have come from the hospital, Minseok thought.

“Why haven’t you called?” Minseok stood in the doorway, not wanting to let Luhan pass, not without an explanation. “Do you hate me?”

“Minseok, let me in.”

Minseok hesitated for a brief second, maybe not a brief second. Maybe it was minutes that he stood there, staring at Luhan, wanting to yell and berate the man for so coldly cutting off all contact when he knew full well what he had done to him. Yet he stepped aside. He let Luhan into his apartment, the first person he had ever let into his apartment.

Luhan stepped inside, “I am sorry I haven’t called you, really. I can explain, Minseok.”

“Are you clean?” Minseok didn’t want to ask the question, he HAD to ask the question. Luhan nodded, walking past Minseok, walking into a place that was reserved for one person only. Until now.

“I was busy, so busy and I lost track of time and I am truly very sorry about everything.” Luhan stood in Minseok’s living room, looking around, “I had a feeling everything would be this neat.”

Minseok felt like he was naked, his world exposed, everything laid bare.

“I missed you.” Luhan looked sad, his mouth forming a pout as he took in the sight of Minseok.

“Don’t think I am not mad at you. You could have at least texted me.” Minseok crossed his arms, tapping his foot on the carpeting, he sighed. “And it is so late. Why did you decide to come over so late?”

“I couldn’t stop thinking about you.” Luhan had that look in his eyes, that look that said he wanted more than to look, more than to speak about missing and uttering apologies and…”Can we go to your room?”

Minseok should have been strong and said no and remained angry but the truth was that the sight of Luhan, standing in his living room, telling him he missed him, was something stronger than anger or regret or anything – and it made his heart race, but not like it had over the last week. Not because he was full of anxiety and self-loathing. He was…happy, perhaps.

The lamp near Minseok’s bed was already on, he had flicked the switch when he heard the knock on the door. The low lighting cast shadows around the sparsely furnished room.

“Your bed looks so comfortable.” Luhan reached forward, dragging a hand across the soft white quilt before Minseok could protest or yell or faint or throw up. Minseok watched, a realization hitting him.

“The list…” Minseok muttered, “Only number ten is left.”

“Do you know what number ten is?” Luhan sat on the edge of Minseok’s bed, watching him.

Minseok gulped. Did he? Of course he did…maybe…he had always known. The clarity he sought came to him more and more over the past two weeks as he felt revulsion and guilt and disgust and…desire. Number ten, the action that was the most impossible for him to consider a few months back. The action he could never, ever complete when he considered it. The action…

“Sex.” Minseok breathed out, “Is number ten.”

Luhan froze, not answering or questioning or saying anything at all. He stared at the floor. Minseok felt the sweat on his brow, his nerves acting up. He had said something so dreadfully wrong. “I am sorry.”

“Why?” Luhan raised his head, and Minseok thought there was something there he had never seen before. Not when Luhan was being playful or full of lust or tired or any other state he had ever seen Luhan in. Was it regret?

“I…we don’t have to. That isn’t what I meant.” Minseok stuttered, wringing his hands together, realizing belatedly he had not put his gloves back on. His red, chapped, hideous hands were in full view of Luhan and here Minseok was talking about intercourse when he couldn’t get through a hand job without crying. Pathetic, he must seem so pathetic.

“I want to.” Luhan spoke softly, “Are you ready though? Don’t force it.”

Minseok couldn’t reasonably identify what the term “ready” could mean when sex was involved. He had never had sex. The thought of it made him sick, repulsed. Did it still? Or was that a distant memory…was having sex with Luhan something he could do? Something that didn’t repulse him? Would Luhan go away if he said no, never to return? What did it all mean…why was he dizzy…

“I want to.” Minseok found himself sitting on the bed next to Luhan, conscious of how his robe was open, his pajamas the only thing keeping his body from being seen.

Luhan moved slowly, reaching, his hands finding Minseok’s cheeks. “I want to kiss you.” He breathed, low and dangerous and full of desire.

Minseok nodded, allowing. Closing his eyes he braced himself for the sensation. He hadn’t anticipated for Luhan’s lips to feel so soft as they met his own, a gentle press, Minseok tensing.

“Open your mouth.” Luhan’s words were more an order, not necessarily a question, yet Minseok knew he could pull back and Luhan would stop. Minseok could pull back, but he wouldn’t. Minseok parted his lips ever so, keeping his eyes shut. He felt Luhan’s tongue enter his mouth, caressing slowly, languidly. Minseok moaned, finding his hands – his bare, ugly hands- reaching. He stopped short, not daring to touch Luhan.

Luhan touched Minseok first, his hands finding Minseok’s waist, lowering him onto the bed, gently as if he was waiting for Minseok to cast him aside- to protest- to cry. Minseok didn’t, he wouldn’t. No. Number ten, this was number ten.

Luhan broke the kiss, panting. “You are so very beautiful, Minseok.”

Minseok tried to relax. Impossible. It felt like all of his nerve endings were firing at once. He was sensitive, wanting, needy. Luhan seemed to know this, touching carefully but with maximum impact.

Minseok felt his robe being pushed away, his shirt lifted, his pants pulled down. He didn’t open his eyes, not daring to. Not wanting to see if Luhan was revolted by his body. Whispered words of beautiful and want you were not enough for Minseok to be sure that Luhan wouldn’t run away at the sight of him.

“I want to contaminate you.” Luhan ghosted his breath over Minseok’s chest, down his abdomen. Minseok shivered as he felt Luhan’s hands on the inside of his thighs, opening them wide. “I want to stretch you. Can I?”

Minseok’s hands were twisting the bedding underneath him, tension amidst tension. “Yes.”

Luhan moaned into Minseok’s thighs, licking, testing. “I brought lube, in case.”

Minseok didn’t want to consider why Luhan was so forward thinking. No, it was a miracle they were doing this, he didn’t want to focus on anything that would end the moment and throw him back into the abyss of his illness.

Minseok heard the click, still not looking, he felt Luhan’s finger, sticky and cool with the lubricant tracing circles on his inner thigh.

“It might hurt. Tell me if it is too much.” Luhan inserted a finger, Minseok cried out, moving back, trying to get away. Luhan reached out, positioning his free hand on Minseok’s hip, pushing him down. “Do you still want it?” Luhan purred as he began thrusting one finger in and out.

“Yes. Yes.” Minseok bit his bottom lip, probably hard enough for it to bleed. It was a strange sensation, having something inside of him, teasing and moving and slowly easing the pain and increasing the buildup of heat.

When Luhan inserted another finger Minseok opened his eyes, gasping. He wouldn’t look down. No, he didn’t want to see. But the sensation, the fucking sensation.

“I can’t wait, you make it hard to wait.” Luhan leaned forward, crooking his fingers he laughed as Minseok moaned at the new sensation. Luhan planted a kiss on Minseok’s lips. “My beautiful Minseok.”

Minseok whimpered when Luhan pulled his fingers out, whimpered because the new sensation was gone, he was empty and waiting. He didn’t have to wait long. Still staring at the ceiling, still letting his senses guide him, he cried out as something much bigger entered him.

“Fuck, you are tight.” Luhan’s breathing was ragged. He grabbed Minseok’s legs, pulling him closer, the quilt bunching up under Minseok as his body was thrust forward.

Minseok wondered if he would die. Die from being contaminated, from someone inside of him, receiving his germs. If he would kill Luhan with his own uncleanliness. He started to panic, even as his body reacted to the driving force, in and out, harder, faster. And the pain. The pain was intense, so intense. Contamination.

He had contaminated Luhan. Yet…it wasn’t important…not now…or was it…

“I have waited for this. I have wanted this, god I have wanted to fuck you.” Luhan’s words were slurred, his grasp on Minseok’s legs tightening with each thrust.

Minseok didn’t know what to do, how to touch or reciprocate or do anything but writhe and feel like he was being split in half. Then Luhan let go of one of Minseok’s legs and began stroking Minseok’s cock, fast, in time to his thrusts. Minseok felt the heat, the same heat that had brought upon feelings of nausea and disgust pool within him.

“Come.” Luhan ordered, his thrusts becoming uneven, his pace quickening. “Minseok, come.”

Minseok cried out Luhan’s name as he came all over Luhan’s hand. Luhan followed almost immediately, falling forward as he gasp and plunged deeper inside Minseok, unintelligible words on his lips as Minseok imagined himself being filled. Contaminated.

Luhan pulled out quickly. “Are you okay?”

The moment broken, strange…still.

Minseok couldn’t believe it. Couldn’t believe he was naked. In front of someone else. That he had sex. That he had let Luhan come inside of him.

He couldn’t believe it.

“I need to take a shower.” Minseok whispered. Luhan helped Minseok out of bed, hovering over him, watching and making sure that Minseok wouldn’t pass out or throw up or scream.

Minseok didn’t emerge from the shower for close to an hour, he scrubbed, helplessly considering what had occurred and what it meant and how dirty he was and Luhan was and… he threw up only once.

When Minseok left the shower, a fresh pair of pajamas on, he expected to see Luhan sitting on his sofa, watching television. Or in his kitchen making coffee. Or cleaning up his room, murmuring words of sorry and thank you and good job.

Luhan wasn’t there though. Luhan wasn’t anywhere. He was gone.

Minseok began to panic, to berate himself for thinking this was a good idea. Then he found the note, sitting on his kitchen counter, sloppy handwriting scrolled on a page torn from Minseok’s appointment book.

_Minseok,_

_You did it! Number 10! Congrats and good job._

_I know I said I would tell you why I wanted to help you once you finished your list. Sorry, I didn’t think I could do it in person. Forgive me. <3_

_I wanted to help you because I like you. A lot. I wanted to help you because you remind me of me sometimes. I wanted to help you because I was certain I could. I did, right? I helped? I hope so, you deserve it._

_I would offer a million excuses if I thought it would do any good, but I am certain it would not. People like us need things to be clear cut, to be black or white, to take the edge off of the pain we feel on a daily basis. The truth is black and white._

_The truth is I lied. The truth is that I am bad. The truth is that you trusted me. The truth is that I even if I cured you, I should have been honest. I know that, yet I think you wouldn’t have been cured if you knew the truth. I did what I had to do._

_Minseok, I am not a doctor. I am not a psychiatrist. I am sorry. I could try to explain why – how, a lot of things. Why I pretend to be a doctor when I am not. I won’t, because honestly it doesn’t matter. I cured you, right? So does it matter?_

_Minseok, always be happy._

_Luhan_

Minseok collapsed, clutching the note, his entire body going numb.

 

~~1\. Touch a doorknob without my gloves on.~~

~~2\. Ride public transportation.~~

~~3\. Visit a store and touch something without my gloves.~~

~~4\. Wear the same suit two days in a row.~~

~~5\. Drink out of another person’s cup.~~

~~6\. Touch someone’s hands without my gloves on.~~

~~7\. Eat a meal with someone.~~

~~8\. Let someone into my apartment.~~

~~9\. Let someone touch my bed.~~

~~10\. Have sex~~

 

**EPILOGUE**

Minseok entered the hospital on a stretcher. The medics didn’t use restraints, there was no reason to. Minseok wasn’t going to fight it.

Jongdae had found him after a week of missed work. After a week of not eating. After a week of lying on the kitchen floor, staring at the note. Forgetting the note. Reconstructing the note. The police had let Jongdae in, Minseok wasn’t sure if it was Jongdae or the police that called the ambulance.

“Mr. Kim, we are going to take you to your room now.” The nurse was friendly and helpful and kind and all of those things a nurse should be. “You are going to receive the help you need.”

Help? Help…yes, he could receive help. Help for what? He wanted to rub his skin raw, cover himself in a layer of protective gear. He wanted to know why Luhan tricked him. Why.

Or maybe he wanted to laugh. So foolish. So trusting. So…ready to ignore what he knew to be the truth. He needed to control. He needed to find his control. He lost control. Yes, that is why. That is why that man with his smile and his words and his…

Minseok’s room had two beds, he only pretended to notice.

The first three days he spent sedated, hooked up to an IV.

The fourth day he met the psychiatrist.

The fifth day his new medications started, heavy doses on time and then the psychiatrist again.

How many days after that? How many days of the doctor asking if he felt less afraid, less contaminated. Less…dirty.

How many days until the door opened up, the nurse explaining he would have a roommate? “The doctor thinks it is a good idea, Mr. Kim.”

He wasn’t going to get out of bed any way. Who cares? Who cares if he has a roommate?

Minseok didn’t look at the door when it opened, when the shuffling of feet and the nurse’s kind voice directing his new roommate filled the room. He didn’t bother to look over and observe.

“Minseok?”

He bristled. Hallucinating now - Minseok thought he must be. Driven over the edge finally. Visions and voices. Yes.

“Minseok, it is me.”

Was it Luhan? That disgusting lying, horrible no good Luhan.

“Minseok, let me explain. They say I am a sociopath – no a, personality disorder or something. Minseok, listen to me. We are back together. We can start over. Minseok…that list…do you have a new list? I can cure you again.”

Minseok turned his head. It was Luhan. “Why are you here?” Minseok managed to speak, managed to ask a question that was more of a joke than a serious inquiry.

“Minseok, they say I am sick. I don’t think it is true. Minseok, I only pretended to be a doctor to help you. I only hung around the hospital to help you. I only borrowed their offices to help you. You believe me, right?” Luhan asked, clutching the flat hospital issue pillow to his chest, rocking back and forth ever so. “Minseok, we can work on a new list. Let me help you. I helped you, right?”

Minseok turned his head, went back to staring at the ceiling. Luhan rambled on, and on, and on. Minseok didn’t listen.

\----

Lu Han

Age: 30 

Diagnosis: Antisocial personality disorder (Sociopathic tendencies)

\----

Kim Minseok

Age: 31

Diagnosis: Obsessive compulsive disorder (Mysophobia), Major depressive disorder

End.


End file.
